Funny Quotes

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.

My life needs editing.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

I can resist everything except temptation.

We are all born mad. Some remain so.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.