Dave Barry quotes

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.

The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.

The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.

I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.