Erma Bombeck quotes

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.

When your mother asks, 'Do you want a piece of advice?' it is a mere formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, 'A house guest,' you're wrong because I have just described my kids.

Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

Never have more children than you have car windows.

Never order food in excess of your body weight.

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

Never have more children than you have car windows.