Fred Allen quotes

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.