Groucho Marx quotes

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.