Henny Youngman quotes

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.