Jerry Seinfeld quotes

I like money, but it's never been about the money.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.

Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.

We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.

Nobody enjoys the 'little show about nothing' humor more than me, but that is never the way I look at it.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

I love being a dad. I just love it.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.

Men want to make women happy.