Joan Rivers quotes

Never floss with a stranger.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Part of my act is meant to shake you up. It looks like I'm being funny, but I'm reminding you of other things. Life is tough, darling. Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything; otherwise, we're going down the tube.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

Trust me, there's not one night a week I'm not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.