Mark Twain quotes

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

You can't depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.

Patriot: the person who can holler the loudest without knowing what he is hollering about.

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

Loyalty to the Nation all the time, loyalty to the Government when it deserves it.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.

Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

Man was made at the end of the week's work, when God was tired.

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.

Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.

Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.

The finest clothing made is a person's own skin, but, of course, society demands something more than this.

When in doubt tell the truth.

Man was made at the end of the week's work, when God was tired.

My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.

We have the best government that money can buy.

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts.

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.

Necessity is the mother of taking chances.

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

My mother had a great deal of trouble with me, but I think she enjoyed it.

When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.

Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.

There are people who can do all fine and heroic things but one - keep from telling their happiness to the unhappy.

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.

Work is a necessary evil to be avoided.

The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.

I never smoke to excess - that is, I smoke in moderation, only one cigar at a time.

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

Words are only painted fire; a look is the fire itself.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear.

Soap and education are not as sudden as a massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run.

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.

Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.

It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse races.

In the Spring, I have counted 136 different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours.

It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.

Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain.

Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.

If it's your job to eat a frog, it's best to do it first thing in the morning. And If it's your job to eat two frogs, it's best to eat the biggest one first.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't.

A man's character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

We have the best government that money can buy.

I have never taken any exercise, except sleeping and resting, and I never intend to take any.

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

Don't let schooling interfere with your education.

Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.

Laws control the lesser man... Right conduct controls the greater one.

I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: 'Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.'

I never let schooling interfere with my education.

Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work.

It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

I can live for two months on a good compliment.

It is my belief that nearly any invented quotation, played with confidence, stands a good chance to deceive.

Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.

Wit is the sudden marriage of ideas which, before their union, were not perceived to have any relation.

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.

India has 2,000,000 gods and worships them all. In religion, all other countries are paupers; India is the only millionaire.

Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

Loyalty to the Nation all the time, loyalty to the Government when it deserves it.

It is curious that physical courage should be so common in the world and moral courage so rare.

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it.

Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.

Prosperity is the best protector of principle.

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.

We have the best government that money can buy.

Lord save us all from old age and broken health and a hope tree that has lost the faculty of putting out blossoms.

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

A person who won't read has no advantage over one who can't read.

Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.

The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing wrong with this, except that it ain't so.

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

Only one thing is impossible for God: To find any sense in any copyright law on the planet.

Prophesy is a good line of business, but it is full of risks.