Mitch Hedberg quotes

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.