Phyllis Diller quotes

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.