Rita Rudner quotes

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

I think the most important thing about learning comedy is to start from who you are. If you begin the process by imitating what you perceive to be a comedy rhythm, you will get laughs sooner, but you will not be unique.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'

Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Stand-up is my favorite thing I've ever done. There's so much independence.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.