Steven Wright quotes

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

I liked school, but I used to dread those moments when the teacher would call me up to give an oral report. I forced myself to deal with it and not dwell on the class in front of me - to keep a straight face, give the report and concentrate on getting it right. That's normally how I perform. That's how I am.

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

How young can you die of old age?

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.

I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.

I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

I've always had to conquer fear when I'm on stage. Basically, I was and still am a very shy person. It's absolutely in conflict with what I do. But once I deliver the first joke I'm okay. It's like I'm out there all by myself just delivering my lines to nobody in particular without ever trying to notice the audience in front of me.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

It's very intense to be in front of a live audience. It's just an amazing experience. It's dangerous. Everything out there is heightened. The bad stuff is extra-worse. The silences are extra-silent. The good stuff is amazing. It's electric when you walk out there. For 90 minutes, you're on this other planet.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I don't feel that I'm explaining the world or teaching people anything. And I'm not trying to be a mirror, showing them what's really going on the world. All I'm trying to do is think of stuff that's funny, just like when I'm kidding around with my friends.

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.

When I'm on stage, it's really intense. My mind is going a million miles an hour, trying to remember my act, trying to say it all the right way. It's funny how different it looks and how it's happening. There are three Fellini circuses in my head, and outwardly it looks like I'm going to get a bagel.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time... I think I've forgotten this before.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.

I feel very lucky to make a living from my imagination; I'm very grateful for that. I like that what I do is create. I'm feeling very lucky to have had the career I had. It's gone much longer and bigger than I ever thought it would be.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.