Woody Allen quotes

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

Marriage is the death of hope.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

Marriage is the death of hope.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

I am two with nature.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

Marriage is the death of hope.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.