Rodney Dangerfield quotes

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.