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If you record the world honestly, there's no way people can stop being funny. A lot of fiction writing doesn't get that idea, as if to acknowledge it would trivialize the story or trivialize human nature, when in fact human nature is reduced and falsified if the comic aspects are not included.

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I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

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Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

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No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.

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Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.

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I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

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Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

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I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.

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Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

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If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.

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