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My sister told me: 'You need to have a baby so that you've got someone to look after you when you're old.' And I was like: 'Hang on - I thought that's what the NHS was for? Unless the NHS is that screwed by the time I'm old, you've literally had to give birth to your own medical professional.'

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The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.

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A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

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Illness is the doctor to whom we pay most heed; to kindness, to knowledge, we make promise only; pain we obey.

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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

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A hospital is no place to be sick.

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For the mind disturbed, the still beauty of dawn is nature's finest balm.

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You may not be able to read a doctor's handwriting and prescription, but you'll notice his bills are neatly typewritten.

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They certainly give very strange names to diseases.

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You can die of the cure before you die of the illness.

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In the name of Hypocrites, doctors have invented the most exquisite form of torture ever known to man: survival.

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