Funny Quotes

To be or not to be. That's not really a question.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.

I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Men are only as loyal as their options.

When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.

One of the disadvantages of wine is that it makes a man mistake words for thoughts.

We owe to the Middle Ages the two worst inventions of humanity - romantic love and gunpowder.

Instant gratification takes too long.

You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.

He looked about as inconspicuous as a tarantula on a slice of angel food.

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest.

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.

You can do anything with bayonets except sit on them.

If at first you don't succeed, find out if the loser gets anything.

Why do you have to be a nonconformist like everybody else?

I'm for whatever gets you through the night.