Funny Quotes

I could sooner reconcile all Europe than two women.

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.

Let's have some new cliches.

If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

Reality continues to ruin my life.

The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.

One man's folly is another man's wife.

I believe in rules. Sure I do. If there weren't any rules, how could you break them?

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

I'm like old wine. They don't bring me out very often - but I'm well preserved.

I love fools' experiments. I am always making them.

Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

Cure for an obsession: get another one.

I don't deserve any credit for turning the other cheek as my tongue is always in it.