Funny Quotes

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

I'd like to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair.

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least somebody's listening.

Society is like a stew. If you don't stir it up every once in a while then a layer of scum floats to the top.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.

All men are equal before fish.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.

A word to the wise is infuriating.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

Memories are like mulligatawny soup in a cheap restaurant. It is best not to stir them.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.