Funny Quotes

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific.

Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.

I saw a stationery store move.

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.

I'm going to marry a Jewish woman because I like the idea of getting up Sunday morning and going to the deli.

People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.

I'm kidding about having only a few dollars. I might have a few dollars more.

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.

I wish I had the nerve not to tip.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

Every man has a sane spot somewhere.

Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.

We know that the nature of genius is to provide idiots with ideas twenty years later.

I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.

Who included me among the ranks of the human race?

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.