Funny Quotes

Thinking is one thing no one has ever been able to tax.

The superfluous, a very necessary thing.

I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

I was eating in a Chinese restaurant downtown. There was a dish called Mother and Child Reunion. It's chicken and eggs. And I said, I gotta use that one.

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

The best measure of a man's honesty isn't his income tax return. It's the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

You're only as good as your last haircut.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

I'm an optimist, but an optimist who carries a raincoat.

I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.

Christopher Columbus, as everyone knows, is honored by posterity because he was the last to discover America.

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.

Never put a sock in a toaster.

If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone, they'd never marry.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Too much agreement kills a chat.