Funny Quotes

That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

So, where's the Cannes Film Festival being held this year?

Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.

What I am looking for is a blessing not in disguise.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

Only the mediocre are always at their best.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

As for our majority... one is enough.

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.

Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.

Never fight an inanimate object.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house with the conscious design of doing me good, I should run for my life.

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.