Funny Quotes

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.

Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

There are lots of people who mistake their imagination for their memory.

The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.

Progress is man's ability to complicate simplicity.

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

I have an unfortunate personality.

It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.