Funny Quotes

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.

By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.

Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.