Funny Quotes

I own and operate a ferocious ego.

The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I've ever met.

Boy, those French: they have a different word for everything!

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.

Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with a valentine.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'

There's one thing about baldness, it's neat.

I am certain there is too much certainty in the world.

Never take a solemn oath. People think you mean it.

What after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean.

I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

I like marriage. The idea.