Funny Quotes

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

To label me an intellectual is a misunderstanding of what that is.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.

Why does everyone think the future is space helmets, silver foil, and talking like computers, like a bad episode of Star Trek?

After all is said and done, sit down.

Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings.

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

When I was born I owed twelve dollars.

I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent.

I never said most of the things I said.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Include me out.

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

There is nothing in the world that I loathe more than group activity, that communal bath where the hairy and slippery mix in a multiplication of mediocrity.

As far as I'm concerned, 'whom' is a word that was invented to make everyone sound like a butler.

I would talk in iambic pentameter if it were easier.

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.