Funny Quotes

Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they're home. I'm that way at Saks.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I think the eyes flirt most. There are so many ways to use them.

I was born in very sorry circumstances. Both of my parents were very sorry.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.

Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.