Funny Quotes

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

If you're naturally kind, you attract a lot of people you don't like.

An optimist is a fellow who believes a housefly is looking for a way to get out.

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.

She was a handsome woman of forty-five and would remain so for many years.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

If you want to be thought a liar, always tell the truth.

Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.