Funny Quotes

Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

Macho does not prove mucho.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?

I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?