Funny Quotes

You see much more of your children once they leave home.

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.

One picture is worth 1,000 denials.

Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.

I rant, therefore I am.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.

Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.

The tax collector must love poor people, he's creating so many of them.

I never liked you, and I always will.

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

Defy your own group. Rebel against yourself.