Funny Quotes

I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.

Communism is like one big phone company.

Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

The reward of energy, enterprise and thrift is taxes.

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.