Funny Quotes

All my children inherited perfect pitch.

I like children - fried.

As I get older, I just prefer to knit.

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.

I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.

Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

I read part of it all the way through.